I don’t suck dick. That’s the deal, plain and simple. I know this statement is sure to enrage heaps of men, and even women, who consider blowjobs a mandatory part of anyone’s sexual repertoire. I totally get that. Here’s the thing, though: I fucking hate it. I’ve never enjoyed cramming a penis in my mouth.
Now, before you go and report me to the MRA, I want to clarify that this does not at all mean I hate penises. I don’t think they are ugly, or gross. The standard penis has quite a practical and sleek design, which I greatly admire. As much as I love my vagina and all its parts, I do often find myself jealous of how worry-free the penis seems to be.
If you tried talking to a penis about daily discharge, menstruation, pH balance, or pap smears, the penis would have nothing to say in return. Mostly because it’s a penis, and penises can’t talk, but also because it doesn’t have to deal with these things. Not only that, but it doesn’t even require a wipe after urination. Kudos to you, penis. All I’m saying is that I despise the act of putting one in my mouth, and forcing my mouth to partake in the motions my hand or vagina could perform instead.
I currently have a man in my life who I’m not exactly dating, but who comes over about once a week to eat me out. The only thing I give him in return is a pat on the back for doing a good job. Some might think this arrangement is strange, but I prefer to think of it as pretty damn close to perfect. It was on our second date that I first gave him the opportunity to suck on my clitoris. After thanking him for giving me a ride home, I simply said, “Want to come up to my place and eat me out?” He gave me an enthusiastic yes, and we got to it. I sat on his face until I came, then sent him home. This has been our arrangement for a little over two months now. If you’re wondering why we don’t have sex, it’s because I have made a promise to myself not to have sex until I’m in a relationship. While this guy is obviously very generous, the chemistry is not really there when it comes to the little things, like conversation.
Think of my clitoris as Alaska, while my vagina is Russia. (If you need a less cold or oppressive analogy, replace Alaska with South Korea and Russia with North Korea.)
I’m fully aware that there is such a thing as stimulating myself while being fucked. However, I’ve never been able to actually make this work. For me to reach an orgasm, I need to concentrate. I have to give my clitoris my full attention if it’s going to give me the result I want. This level of concentration is hard to obtain while a guy is bouncing in and out of me, rhetorically asking me if I “like that.”
Look, I know that my years of being denied oral sex is my fault too. I was a different person then. I never asked for what I wanted, because I worried it would make me seem less attractive. It’s something a lot of women feel, that it’s more important to fulfill a man’s desires over our own. You know, in order to “keep him.” Even the most headstrong, self-reliant, progressive women fall victim to this line of thinking. I have finally been able to fully shed myself of my meekness when it comes to sex and I know now that I can not only demand what I want but also deny what I don’t want: blowjobs.