1. When you drop food down your shirt and still eat it.
Don’t get me wrong; in theory, eating food that drops out of your mouth and onto your bosoms probably isn’t the most sanitary maneuver in the book – but hey, if it doesn’t bother you, it sure ain’t bothering us.
I once dated a girl who loved sushi – but was horrible at using chopsticks – solely for this reason, actually.
Every time she ordered a roll of sushi, it was pretty much a forgone conclusion that (at least) one of those pieces was going to make its way on top of her rack, and when it did – I was ready.
You ain’t seen nothin’ till you’ve seen a girl lick some spicy mayo off her upper chest. Talk about spectacles…
2. When you sweat (not glisten).
There’s something about the thought of sweaty women that will always entice us, and probably because – the majority of the time – we’re the ones responsible for it (and sex is involved).
I will say, there’s a very delicate balance between sexy-sweaty and too-sweaty. When you’re schvitzing a little bit at the beach, with your bikini strap undone – or just finished up a quick sesh at Bikram – that’s sexy-sweaty. It’s always cute.
But if you just spent 45 minutes in the sauna and 30 on the elliptical, perhaps consider showering first, that might not be too cute.
3. When you stuff your face.
Women who feel self-conscious eating around men are really only causing themselves much unnecessary stress.
Frankly, we don’t care what you eat – we’d rather see you order something you’ll enjoy as opposed to a salad, which you probably only ordered because hands aren’t required.
Sure, there are times to act classy and not indulge, but then again, there are times to say f*ck it and enjoy life. We don’t think it’s “gross” if you feel so inclined to eat a lot, either. Go ahead and pick up that f*ckin’ chicken parm hero and go HAM, love.
4. When you conveniently forget underwear.
There are times in life when you just have to go commando. Whether it be after a stressful day at work or a lazy Sunday morning – sometimes you need to let it all hang out – and we get that. Believe me.
And I can understand you being a little shy about owning up to this, but we’re not judging. We’re not complaining, realistically; if it means easier access for us and extra-comfort for you, then I consider it a win-win. Not to mention, we fly solo all the time.
5. When you curse like a sailor.
I don’t believe in cuss words, to be honest with you. Words are words; they’re just strings of letters, and letters can’t be “gross.” If anything, they’re necessary on a situational basis.
When “schmuck” simply doesn’t suffice, and people are DESERVING (or you think they are, at any rate), sometimes you just gotta call em’ a “f*ckin’ assh*le.” And I, for one, think that’s A-OK.
Keep in mind a tendency to curse doesn’t come free of consequence, especially for “ladies” (unfair, I know).
Society tends to frown upon people who curse like a sailor (and degrade an entire career, no less), regardless of how curse-worthy a situation may be. That’s why children aren’t allowed to listen to most hip-hop.
Regardless, when girls have “potty mouths,” it’s cute because we’re guys, and I don’t know, we think it’s sort of cute when you get frustrated.
6. When you let out a burp after *a deserving* meal.
While I doubt there are many dudes out there looking to wife up a chronic belcher – there’s nothing wrong with a big burp after a hearty meal, from time to time. It’s not that big of a deal. I mean, it could be a lot worse.
And depending on the extent and tonality of the burp, it might even be cute. Again, there’s a delicate balance to burping as well.
If you’re belching like Will Ferrell in “Elf,” at the dinner table, there’s a decent chance we’ll be a bit shocked. But there’s nothing wrong with a regular old burp.
7. When you rock out with the morning breath.
Nobody likes morning breath, but as is with many matters of life, it’s not a matter of liking or not liking.
If your girlfriend decides to sleep a little late and rolls over for a smooch – sometimes you have to bite the bullet (as opposed to scoffing in her face, literally).
It’s not really that gross because, well, nobody wakes up with breath smelling like Listerine.
If anything, it’s cute that you couldn’t even wait to scrub your teeth before jumping right into morning sex. That shows initiative, always a good thing.
8. When you haven’t washed your hair for a few days.
I mean, I kind of f*ck with the whole bohemian, Woodstock-residual, flower-girl type of chic – so maybe I’m in the minority with this one – but I think it’s fine when you say “f*ck it” and let your hair rock unwashed for a few days. As long as it’s clean, mind you.
It’s grunge, man. It’s grunge. We feel like our own versions of Kurt Cobain with an iced coffee whenever you stroll into the deli without having washed your hair for three nights and four days.
As long as it’s clean.
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