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1. Yoga For The Penis.
I said I was a yoga instructor… and then he asked me to lead a vinyasa sequence at a campsite for everyone. To this day, he still thinks I’m certified… bought me a yoga mat for Chanukah. But here’s my question: Why would an instructor not have her own?
2. Wine-ded up.
I let the guy I was obsessed with in college drink a $90 bottle of wine I had (it was free, but whatever). That night he told my friends he loved me strictly as a “friend.” CUTE!!!!
3. He’ll Like Me For My Mind.
I pretended I ate shrooms before and, therefore, wasn’t afraid of doing it again. I had to act totally cool when we ate them together as if I were a pro. Inside, I was, well, trying not to sh*t my pants because I heard your mindset going into it was important.
In the end, my first-second time ended up being great.
4. Tequila On Hand.
I went to a formal in college with a guy and his friends who I didn’t know very well. Everyone was ordering continuous rounds of tequila, which my body does not react well to, but I wanted them to think I was cool, so I just kept taking any shot anyone handed me.
After a few, I had to run to the bathroom to throw up — but before I got all the way there, I puked into my hand. After I washed off as best I could, I came back out, and he was standing there waiting for me.
He asked if I was OK, so I acted shocked and confused and said very convincingly, ‘Some girl just threw up on my arm in the bathroom!’
He believed me… so, no lesson learned. I would still do my best to stomach tequila if I was trying to impress a guy.
5. Over Qualified.
This was kind of a bad idea: I pretended like I was super experienced in bed by saying I’ve been tied up and sh*t and put those Ben Wa balls up my vag.
I got all my material from “50 Shades,” knowing he never had read it (this is how you know I wasn’t experienced…). But anyway, instead of being turned on, he was super, super freaked out… so I had to backtrack and basically admit I was making it up to be more attractive.
You would have thought this would have dug me out of the “crazy” hole, but instead it just made it worse. There is now a man named Bryan* walking around Ann Arbor who thinks I’m completely bat-sh*t. He wouldn’t be too far off, sadly…
6. Stairway To Nowhere.
I looked at what he listed as his favorite bands on Facebook, then Googled song lyrics from one of the bands and copied them onto my favorite quotes section.
When we finally started talking, he asked me what I thought about Led Zeppelin. I said I loved him. He didn’t text back.
7. Bangers To Get Banged.
I was madly in love with a Brazilian, and I wanted him for my birthday. So I organized an entire party at my friend’s house, not to celebrate myself but to have an excuse to see him again.
I made my friend cook dinner for 15 people. Well, he didn’t show up. But I got a lovely three-word “can’t make it” text.
Regardless, the party turned out to be epic, and we all ended up in a different country without passports the next morning. So, f*ck that guy. And… also, f*ck border patrol.
8. Stalked Out.
I pretended like I didn’t know the names and ages of all seven of his siblings on the first date because I had thoroughly stalked him prior. Then one slipped… then another…
9. Skating Around The Issue.
I lied to this guy and told him I was pretty good at skateboarding (aka a super chill girl). Naturally, he asked if I wanted to go skating with him.
I ended up buying a $120 skateboard, and I skated circles in my garage for like three hours to get the hang of it. When we went skating a few days later, I ate sh*t immediately and thought I broke my arm.
He took me to his parents’ house since I couldn’t stop crying, and his mom looked at my arm and said it was just a bruise. We ended up dating for like two years.
In the 2nd grade, I had a crush on this kid who wore this lime green fleece vest. I thought it was the coolest thing ever, so I forced my mom to buy me one.
Then I creepily wore it to school hoping one day we would match and be together forever. This was also the beginning of me deciding I was into wearing menswear.
11. Bleeding Ears.
I pretended I liked death metal for two years for a guy when I was 17. I HATE death metal. I also let him pierce my eyebrow, even though I hate eyebrow piercings and am scared to death of the needles.
I also let his friend give me a tattoo because I wanted all of them to think I was badass and punk, not an over privileged New York JAP (which I was). I pretended to like his sh*tty band and told him I was a vegan.
I also pretended to actually enjoy SEX with him — sex with boys is GROSS. That was the last time I dared to have sex with a BOY.
12. Talking Points.
I knew guys liked foreign girls, so when I saw this hot guy, I figured it couldn’t hurt to charm him with my fake British accent (known to be horrendous by anyone actually from England).
We ended up dating, and I ended up having to keep my accent up until his British friend came over, and I said I was sick… then never texted him again.
13. Chain Him Down.
When I was in fourth grade, I had my first crush on this boy named Mike. I’m not even going to change his name because I hope he sees this.
This was at the advent of email, when you still had to get offline when your mom answered the phone. So I got his email address and proceeded to send him the most horrific homemade chain email in all caps lock.
I told him he needed to “ASK A GIRL OUT” immediately, and if he didn’t, a ghost would haunt him for the rest of his life. Of course, he also had to send the email to five other people because that’s how chain letters worked.
Fortunately, he did take the hint. Unfortunately, he asked out Alyssa. #NeverForget.
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