I’m In Love with a Married Man: Can an Affair Work Out

You’re at a boring office party and as you’re trying to figure out how you can discretely leave, a man, the very definition of tall, dark and handsome, walks in and you’re captivated. You talk throughout the night and regrettably you have to wrap up your conversation as the party ends.

You lie awake all night thinking about this mesmerizing creature and you’re exhausted for work the next morning. But you don’t care; you’re walking on cloud nine. You try to pry out some information about him, but talk around the water cooler begets the most terrible news. He’s married.

So what do we do when we fall in love with a married man? Do we start an affair or do we walk away and never know what may have been. There is so much information about how to be a successful mistress and how exciting all the sneaking around is, but no one ever mentions what happens after the fun and games are over. I’m going to give you the stark truth, probably the truth you don’t want to hear. Don’t have an affair; it’s not worth the effort!

The best thing to do is to just walk away. I believe that when things are meant to be, they work out with ease. An affair is the complete opposite of ‘ease.’

So, besides the obvious moral dilemma, why exactly is having an affair such a bad idea? Well, I have a few reasons… actually I have many.

1. There is no future for it

Our affairs are doomed. Most affairs don’t last longer than a year. If our relationship does make it past the year, he still isn’t going to leave his wife for you. Only 1 to 10% of men that have affairs leave their wives for their mistresses. Those are terrible odds! So just looking at those statistics, why would we even bother, looks like a sure way to court misery.

2. Cheaters are going to cheat

The basic rule has always been, if he cheats with us he will cheat on us. That old adage is now backed by science (yay! science). A study by the University of South Alabama found that men that do leave their partners for their mistresses end up cheating on them as well. That is not comforting news. So beating the odds and having him leave his wife for us, isn’t even enough.

3. There are so many secrets and it gets lonely

We can’t celebrate our relationship with our family and friends, because we have to keep it a secret.

We can’t hold their hand or kiss in public. For Pete’s sake, we can’t even hug without worrying that someone could see us. While all the while, we have to watch people walk by sharing that special intimacy, declaring their love for all to see. It’s a relationship that’s limited and hidden away.

We can’t even hold out for that day were we can truly be together, because it’s not coming. He is not going to leave her. So, essentially, all the loneliness that we endured doesn’t even count for anything.

4. His wife always comes first

When she calls, he will leave us and go to her. When she needs him, he will support her. We come last because we have no legitimacy in comparison to a marriage. This sucks, immensely! Our needs aren’t going to be fully met. We aren’t going to have that same sense of security within our relationship that other people take for granted.

5. We’re sharing him

Let’s not fool ourselves into thinking that he’s not having sex with her, he is. Did you know that when a man is having an affair, his sex drive revs up and he has more sex with his wife? The way I see it, knowing he’s having sex with his wife, feels as if he’s cheating on me. Not logical, but it still hurts.

6. Men cheat for sex

Although women may cheat because we want an emotional connection, men tend to cheat for purely physical reasons. So just from this, we’re not having this affair for the same reason. Admittedly, this makes me feel used. On the bright side, at least now we know.

So it’s important to keep in mind that an affair doesn’t mean that he is overcome with emotion and simply can’t be without you (as much as we would love for that to be true). He is most likely just having a sexual adventure.

7. He is happy with his marriage

Surprisingly, when men who have cheated are asked if they’re happy in their marriages, over half say yes. Dr Susan Mandel, a family therapist, says that men cheat as a way of fixing their marriages.

Men know that there is something wrong with their marriage. So they attempt to plug those holes up by alleviating their sexual frustration, then they’re able to look past the problems in their marriage. This probably isn’t the best way to fix a marriage, but hey, what would I know.

We have to also remember that people don’t like change. If he has been with his wife for several years then they’re used to each other’s idiosyncrasies. He is willing to put up with all the things he doesn’t like about his wife. That’s why he hasn’t left her already.

8. Is it really love?

Call me naive, but I still believe that love should be that all-consuming desire that you feel for someone. I don’t necessarily mean physical desire, but that need to constantly be in that persons presence, to be simply able to enjoy the experience of being with them.

Although we may love someone that’s already married, that doesn’t mean that he loves us in return. He isn’t constantly texting or calling us, he isn’t coming over to simply watch a movie so that he can be near us, and he isn’t merely enjoying our presence at every possible occasion. What is really happening is that we’re just squeezing in time for each other, probably in a secluded place.

Call me selfish, but I want it all, I want the hand holding, the nauseating displays of affection, the constant need to be near each other. I want the all-consuming honeymoon period. I feel that an affair cheapens that experience, we don’t get to fully experience that period of pure bliss were you want to proclaim your love from the roof tops.

He may tell us that he loves us and that he’ll leave his wife, but I have always believed that words mean nothing. True meaning lies within actions. What has he done that shows us that he actually wants us and not an affair on the side?

But he’s the one.

Many of us may be asking ourselves, “what if he is the one?” Personally, I don’t believe that there is such a thing as the destined one. We decide who the one is: You and me. Just because you love him doesn’t mean that you won’t find someone else, and if he’s married he’s probably not that big of a catch anyway. Anyone can cheat; the goal is to find someone that wants only you.

But I really love him

Some of us might already be in the middle of an affair and I would put forth the question, what do you want from your life? Are you happy? Is this what you want? If you want more and the answers to the other questions are no, then although it may hurt like a bad wax day, we have to leave. Not because we don’t love them, but because we deserve someone that wants only us, we deserve someone that believes the sun rises and sets with us. We are important.

Don’t get me wrong, the decision to end an affair is a difficult and painful one. There will be tears and regrets, but we will finally come out of it on the other side, having learnt something valuable. That we won’t settle for just anyone, let alone someone who can’t even be monogamous.

We can beat the odds

The thing is, even if we beat the odds of our affair lasting more than a year, we still have to deal with the fact that cheaters are going to cheat. So sure, we may have snagged our guy but now what?

Do we start looking through his things to make sure he’s not cheating? Do we constantly harass him about his whereabouts? Or do we go in for a nice snuggle and instead do the sniff test to make sure we can’t smell another woman’s perfume? Honestly, who wants to live that way?

So the point isn’t whether or not we can get the man, but whether we can keep him, and whether we honestly want to keep him. Just seems like a relationship not worth the hassle.

How do I get over him?

1. Spring clean

This will be a long and bumpy journey, but we will get through this. The first thing we should do is to get rid of anything that reminds us of him, no excuses. We have to be honest with ourselves. We have to throw out all those gifts and keep sakes he gave us.

I don’t deny that it will be a difficult feat, but great strides in personal development take resolve that we’re going to need to muster. A simple rule is if it’s valuable, pawn it, nothing like the smell of cold hard cash to lift our spirits during the cry fest that’s surely about to begin.

2. Communication blackout

We need to cut off all communication with him, so that we’re allowed to get over him. Delete his number, defriend him on Facebook, unfollow him on twitter, delete his texts – just get rid of him.

Proximity equals bad. If we happen to work with him or our paths naturally cross, it will be harder.

All we need to do is keep that contact at a minimum, just abruptly end the conversation and walk away. That’s all it takes. Don’t worry about being rude, this is our healing time. Sooner or later he’ll get the hint. If going cold turkey is too hard for us, then we’ll take it one step at a time.

Maybe only defriend him on Facebook, but keep everything else for a while until we’re ready to do something else. We have to take the pace that works for us, there’s no need to push it too hard too soon.

3. What do you want from life

The best way to never have to go through the ordeal of an affair again, is to simply avoid them like the plague. To do that we have to evaluate what we want from life, what kind of a person do we want to be? Do we want to be strong and independent? Will we be the type of person that refuses to settle? Will we be the kind of person that has enough wisdom to stop this from happening again?

Once we’ve answered these questions, we can begin to ask them about what kind of a man do we want? What kind of morals will he have? What will his character be like? From these questions we can then tell the difference between men that do and don’t have affairs, and then we’ll go for the non-cheating type. Or not, that could be your thing.

All in all, the best way to avoid this ridiculous mess, no exaggeration, is to not involve ourselves to begin with. Yes, he may be an absolute ‘dream boat’, but the thing about ‘dream boats’ is that it’s all about perception. It’s like when you meet someone and you think their decently attractive, but then they speak and they say the most amazing and poetic things and they start looking like Hugh Jackman.

If we find the idea of married men a major turn off, then all those ‘dream boats’ will just melt away and we’ll be left with a simple cheating husband. If we’re still interested after that, then that’s an entirely different story.